FFS…

_20171116_114339I am an over thinker…

I just am. I always have been, you wouldn’t know it, unless you really, truly know me.

I look like I don’t care. That’s the worst part, self preservation. If I’m not at work or doing something fun, I’m at home (avoiding any neighbours) with my cat. The cat doesn’t judge, he makes me giggle and he’s got eyes that look like they’re on fire. This wasn’t the case when he first arrived…I spent two weeks completely engulfed with thoughts of my life being over because ‘how can I possibly leave him alone, he’ll destroy the house’. I racked up three panic attacks in 2 days, endless amounts of crying and I would like to forget the sheer volume of man hours spent hoovering… it’s the fleas you see. Cut to today, I don’t think I have ever loved an animal (or some humans) as much. Once in a while I come across a kindred spirit, but due to my lack of communication it won’t last, unless said kindred one likes to receive the odd moany, highly sarcastic message or meme.

So I work, I like to have fun with my ‘chosen ones’, and hide with my cat . That makes me OK.

Until I get cabin fever and decide I’m awesome and should do interesting stuff. Such as a career change, a new skill (you know the things)… all of which involve opening myself up to ‘the outside people’. It never goes well, I just end up being me.

I try to be less me, I try to be a ‘professional’, I sincerely with all my might try to not say what is in my head, usually something highly inappropriate but hilarious to me. I fail, hide, lick my wounds, ugly cry, feel worthless, useless and wonder what exactly my deal is.

I could stop trying, but I won’t.

Because at some point, I’ll find a place, a place for people who aren’t mean’t to be  professional mainstreamers (I’m not talking prison), I mean like the genius nerds, geeks, and out of the box thinkers of silicone valley.

Today, I’m more ‘can’t find the box’.

I’ll leave you with this, I quite like it.

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future”

(Steve Jobs)

 

 

 

Smiling coffee and a flying fish…

I’ve pretty much tuned my mind to look for cool stuff at every opportunity. I’ve also been asked ‘why are you so weird’ a few more times than I care to remember… How rude!

Awesome shit just happens, take my coffee smiling at me, come on it’s pretty sweet, admit it! I’ve seen flying fish, shooting stars and a tiny hippo (OK that last one isn’t true it was a hairless Guinea pig) MAGIC IS EVERYWHERE you just need to look.

The last two years of my life have afforded me huge personal growth, although that has been a very recent realisation (like recently yesterday). There is a huge difference between changing as a person and becoming the person you are, the one that is comfortable with who they are and is not afraid.

To become that you have to lose everything, possessions, people, even you for a while.

Scary shit… even if you manage to hold onto one person who believes in you, it’s a pretty dark lonely time.

There’s a story behind the flying fish, no-one believed me. No-one else was looking but they still didn’t believe me.

I saw it, it was there, it was special and I can still see it in my head. But it is attached to that awful gut wrenching feeling you get when you feel stupid, like when a teacher tells you off, or you feel humiliated and you want to vanish into a hole.

That fish will never know what it did, (but I am currently wondering whether it’s possible to purchase a flying fish motif jumper of some sort).

So ask me why I’m weird, and I’ll say it’s because I can be, It’s because I always was, and I’ll probably get weirder (I prefer awesome over weird but hey-ho).